Thoughts on hanging on to the past / an alternate Victoria.


Most days I wonder if there's an alternate universe (Sliding Doors vibes) with a Victoria who didn't call off her wedding, and subsequently didn't get sick with glandular fever, and therefore didn't develop CFS and have the first three years of her 30s ruined, and is probably living a very secure, content life somewhere.

But then I give myself a firm talking to and remind myself that thinking like this so often is exhausting and pointless, and probably delaying my ability to heal and get healthy again.

I seem to view my pre-CFS life through rose tinted specs and I struggle to let go of these times of my life. My brain goes over a lot of "what if" scenarios. What if I hadn't done X, Y and Z, then I wouldn't have got sick. Thinking this way, I can confirm, is a great recipe for making yourself feel like shit and like you failed at making life choices.

The reality is that before I got glandular fever / CFS I had been severely anxious and stressed for many years and did not have a single shred of control over this. I was heading for "burn out" no matter what, I'm certain of that. 

There is no purpose to me sharing these words other than to document that these thoughts are not healthy and they cause me a shed load of anxiety. So at this point in my healing / recovery journey I am working on living in the moment and reducing the amount of time I spend wondering if I could have avoided ending up where I am now. Which is essentially feeling like a 33 year old trapped in the body of an OAP.

I know a lot of other folk with CFS stumble upon my blog posts on the internet so, if that's you, or if you're someone who suffers with anxiety and spends too much time living in the past, you are not alone. But I definitely want to kick this habit once and for all.


  1. I can relate to this as I have issues with my legs/hip/back (a few years ago I could only walk a couple of steps before collapsing) I'm in my 20's and it is hard having to say no to certain things e.g. if I know there won't be any seating or chance for me to rest. It's only natural to think back to the past when these things were taken for granted.

    Nothing you have done previously has caused this.
    We can only do our best and take each day as it comes xx

  2. Just remember, it's not your fault that you got ill xxxx

  3. Have you considered counselling or CBT? I became ill with gynae issues a couple of years ago and talking to someone has helped me so much. The waiting list was long on the NHS but I'm so glad I persevered. You have had such a horrible time, and it's not surprising you are fed up. Take care x